Relationships

 I am going to have to admit that relationships remain  a bit confusing to me. I am a deeply emotional person, but I am not particularly emotive. I don't like talking about feelings. Not because it's hard to talk about them, but because it seems absolutely useless to me. Rather than simply talking about how a problem makes you feel, why not put your mind to finding a solution? Negative feelings don't need to be discussed, negative feelings arise from situations or circumstances that need to be addressed and once that is done the feelings will improve. That is how I operate.
  I am learning that most people think you are a cold person if you take that approach. People are supposed to talk about how they feel with each other for no other reason than to "let it out." Apparently, this allows another person to connect to you. No, I am not dumb and I understand that this seems like a fairly simple thing to grasp but it really has eluded me for a long time. I think I understood it on an intellectual level. I don't think I understood the purpose behind it or how someone makes an "emotional connection."
   I have always been fascinated by psychology and the human mind and I read any book I could get my hands on about psychology. I gauge a social exchange based on what I have learned about human behavior. I am not kidding. There are instructions going through my mind ( make eye contact, now look away, make a joke now, laugh now, move your hands, no you are moving your hands too much you seem nervous, and etc.)
  I think this is a maneuver that gives me a feeling of control. I am calculating this exchange and I am not really, truly, invested in it. I do this because I lack any real social skills and I have been told as much. Many times.
   As a teenager it was amusing, tact and social ability didn't seem that important.It wasn't until I had children that I wanted to learn how to connect with people so my kids could have friends. I bombed repeatedly at developing friendships. I couldn't get past the superficial point in a relationship.
  You see, I have observed that there is a certain unspoken point in any relationship where you take the proverbial "mask" off and be yourself. It took me awhile to learn that you had to put the mask on (and you do have to, no one want you to literally "be yourself" upon first meeting you, trust me.) This seems to be a natural part of any friendship or romance. There comes a point at which you don't say "I'm fine" when they ask how you are doing if it's not really fine. There comes a point where you can do, as Oprah calls it, the "ugly cry" on that person's shoulder and you don't seem like a nut. ( I have had people I just met break down into tears and it's quite uncomfortable, so I know there is a line there.)
   I don't have the ability to sense when that's ok. I just stay on that safe superficial level with people. Most people don't think to tell you, "It's ok, we are friends now," because it's this thing that is supposedly just understood. I fail to pick up on it or I am over-analyzing it entirely.
   I feel for Aspies, I can't imagine the frustration. I want people to feel as if I am a caring person, but I have trouble exhibiting the characteristics people associate with "caring people".
  I really, really, suck at  being "warm and friendly" and I wish I didn't. Lucky for me I do have friends now.  I think it's ok to call  them friends and they don't seem to mind my quirks or my occasional tactless remark.
 With Valentine's Day around the corner I think I should try to work on expressing how much I care about the people in my life that mean the most to me. Josh and I have been together for 10 years and though he has accepted me as someone who isn't very romantic and cuddly, I think it's kind of unfair not to try to be more that way. People need to "feel" loved.